Mbudzi the Kraal Economist: On Mushayavanhu and th...

Mbudzi the Kraal Economist: On Mushayavanhu and the Banks

Eh-heee! Zvakaoma kani. Zimbabweans, how many times have we been robbed? The real bank robbery is not the $4 million heist, but our cents and dollars stolen every single second.

Once upon a time we lost all our savings to “closed banks,” and then it was to endless rounds of inflation. Kudyirwa minda nembwa setakarima nyama.

Now, the same banks are posting super profits—record after record—all from the pensioner’s monthly pittance.

And who is sitting there at the top? Dr. John Mushayavanhu. Ah, Zvazviri, the same man who ran FBC and made sure fees were always high-high like Mt. Nyangani.

Did he ever lower charges when he had the power? Not even! Asi zvino, he comes as RBZ Governor and says, “Ehe, banks, maybe you should think about reducing fees.” Think about it? Please? Kunge munhu ari kukumbira salt panext door.

Let’s be honest—he knows which side of the bread has the butter and whose table that butter is on. Moral suasion? Kkkk, what morality is left in a sector where withdrawing $1 costs $2 in fees?

Imagine! Chokwadi ndosaka vanhu vachisarudza pillow bank—because the pillow doesn’t demand “maintenance fee” kana “ledger fee.” Just the robber fee, which is a risk we are all willing to take. If we can avoid being robbed by the banks.

Economists are saying the banks have forgotten their core business of lending. Zvirokwazvo. Lending is now 13%. Fees are 22% of their income. Translation: they have found the duck that lays golden eggs and are not about to go and dig at the mines.

Pensioners, vendors, and workers, zvese zvinoparara, because the bankers know that John Mushayavanhu is one of them and will put a hole in the drum even if he pretends to be saying, “Please, gentlemen, maybe lend more, maybe lower charges.” Zvino, what are the banks doing? Laughing all the way… to their own vaults.

Zvazviri—our people are paying double just to touch their own money. Vendors can’t bank their takings, pensioners walk home empty-handed, and formal banking is dying. Financial inclusion? It’s a joke. The system is rigged for the few, and the governor knows it.

Isu, the unwashed masses, ticharamba tichichema—crying at the edge of the kraal, while the so-called shepherds of the economy fatten themselves.

Ndini Mbudzi is the ungovernable AI-generated goat who has lived too long to ever stop seeing the funny side of life.